2024 is when I'm gonna run for president. I already have a slogan "American Prevails".
I'm calling my platform "America First" because I will focus on America first and worry about helping other countries AFTER America gets its shit in order (unless one of our allies gets attacked, then I will unleash, as President Truman called it, "a rain of ruin from the air, the like of which has never been seen on this earth" on the enemy. I will turn their every city into a parking lot, I will burn their every building down and take their every resource until they surrender totally and unconditionally, then I will totally and permanently dismantle their ability to make war and disarm their country, and inflict reparations so harsh that their economy will be permanently crippled as a message to all other countries into perpetuity never to try anything that asinine ever again.).
I'm gonna bring all troops home. Did you know there are about 50,000 troops in Germany and another 50,000 in Japan? Didn't we beat them 70 years ago? Is it necessary to keep an entire army over there after most of the people involved in the war on both sides are dead?
I will end the war on drugs because addiction is a medical condition, not a crime, and we don't put sick people in prison. It's also the most costly, asinine, counter-productive bullshit policy the country has ever pursued. Ending the war on drugs will do more to cripple the drug cartels than all the paramilitary bullshit we've been trying for all these decades.
I will end the importation of all non-American oil and put us on the path of permanent energy independence with the construction of the first commercial thorium nuclear power plants by waiving all the 20+ year environmental impact bullshit via executive fiat. Thorium power is plentiful, cheap, safe, clean, and it means thousands of new American jobs. Thorium is the ultimate green energy. I will also dismantle all commercial windmills since they are the greatest killer of rare birds ever, much worse than DDT.
I will demand a complete and total audit of the Federal Reserve within one week or I will send the Army that I brought home from abroad to break down the doors and arrest every last son of a bitch in that criminal bank and charge them with treason. I will then give the power to create the currency back to the Treasury where it belongs, and have them start printing silver certificates as soon as possible.
I will reform education by abolishing the Department of Education and eliminating all federal education standards, putting education back in the hands of the state legislatures where it belongs, with the exception of the prohibition of practices that are known to be counterproductive to education: little boys with boundless energy won't be forced on deadly psychotropic drugs to make them sit down, standardised tests that don't teach kids anything will be eliminated, bad teachers will be fired even if they have tenure, children will be "left behind" if they don't pass, teaching self-esteem and feel-good-isms will be replaced with teaching reading and mathematics. Once again the United States will lead the world in education.
I will nullify every single law and fiat order passed by Clinton, Bush, and Obama (and possibly any asshole who comes after). IF any of those laws were good Congress can pass them again easily.
I will abolish the criminal Department of Homeland Security.
I will put everyone involved in the Benghazi fiasco on trial for treason.
I will work toward the creation of a Balanced Budget Amendment that will allow deficit spending only during war and national emergencies.
I will work toward the passage of a law that mandates that the minimum wage for everyone be a living wage, since we've known from the birth of capitalism that there is a vested economic interest in having all workers be consumers and one can't be a consumer if one is living paycheck to paycheck. This will mean that getting a job guarantees the elimination of poverty.
I will demand the release of the pages that were redacted from the 9/11 Commission Report, redacted specifically to hide the Saudi government's direct connection to the attacks. If the pages are not released I will use the Army I brought home to enforce their release.
I will demand the release of all documentation on the Roswell flying saucer. If not released I will use the Army I brought home to enforce their release.
I will take all the money being saved by eliminating all the unnecessary government excess I just eliminated and redirect it toward helping the country by reinvigorating investment in science and technology, especially the space program. By 2034 we will put a man on Mars and bring him back safely and work toward permanent colonies on the Moon. Humanity will no longer be a one planet species. We will take the first steps toward exploration of the galaxy. I will also be the first President to fly to space, which has been a dream of mine since as far back as I can remember. I want all rockets to be safe enough that the President can fly on them. I will also invest in research for emerging infectious diseases. I will demolish big pharma and demand the release of the cure for cancer that they are keeping from the public.
And as always America Prevails!