06 May 2013

The President's Speech at Ohio State University

The President told the Ohio State University graduating class of 2013: "You'll hear voices telling you that 'the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants,' and that 'all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,' or maybe that 'when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.' These voices that you hear, hallucinate maybe, might even tell you that these voices have 'sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.' You should reject these voices. Because they aren't real. CPS should have abducted you as a child and given you six psychotropic drugs and murdered you because that's what they do, CPS takes kids and murders them. Because you're hearing voices. Yours is a generation possessed, but not by demons or the spirit of Thomas Jefferson, because we have thrown aside all those notions with the adoption of communism, which says that when you die you rot and if you're hearing voices you're insane and need deadly drugs that are a hundred times worse than the condition they are supposed to treat. I'm from the government, and I'm here to help. Barack Hussein Obama, mmm mmm mmm! I won the Nobel Peace Prize and I didn't do shit! We should have more government, because it's not what you can do for your country, it's what welfare you can get from your neighbors who are working hard for little pay. We should have a civilian Brownshirt army as powerful as, if nor more powerful than, our United States Army. The United States is bad. George W. Bush is the reason the Islamic world hates us, the United States stole most of its land from Mexico, and we need to ban guns because 'no one needs ten bullets to kill a deer,' because, hey, the Second Amendment is about hunting, not about defending your liberty from a tyrannical government. The founders certainly didn't use guns to defend their liberty from a tyrannical government, starting a new nation, and 'that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.' Nope. Never happened. We are one nation under government, because 'we are all socialists now.' Benghazi? Totally not an inside job. We didn't have multiple warnings, we weren't watching the events unfold via drones, we didn't give any troops a stand down order, we didn't blame the event on a video no one watched, and we certainly didn't track down the man who made said video and make him disappear in a plot to silence all opposition to our New World Order power grabbing scheme. Those new testimonies that just came out in the hearings on Benghazi? You should totally ignore them, because they are part of the 'vast right-wing conspiracy', as my friend Hilldog likes to call it, because she is certainly not a traitor for condemning four Americans to be raped and tortured to death in Benghazi. 'What difference does it make' if Hillary sent four Americans to their death and then lied about it? 'What difference does it make?' So, yeah, you shouldn't listen to those voices that you hallucinate, because they aren't real. The government is your God now. Obama's in his Washington, all's right with the world."

This is the short version of the speech, with all the dead air and stumbling over words omitted. Here is a bit of the unedited transcript: "You'll uuh... uuuuuuhhhhh... hear uuhh... voices telling um, a bunch... you that 'the uuhhhh... tree of um liberty must uuuuhhhhh... uuhhhhh... uuhhh... be uuhhh... refreshed from uuhhhh... time to um time with the um blood of um patriots uuhhhhhh..... and uhhhhh....tyrants,'" because we all know that he is the great communicator. He is articulate and clean.