27 September 2018

Skybound

Saw a movie called Skybound. It must have been made for negative dollars because there are two sets and one of them is a green screen and the other is a single room. Also no one can act. At all. At no time was I convinced that I was watching something other than people who have never even tried to act at all in their entire lives pretend to act like normies believe actors act while acting.

Basically some 25 year old high school kids are on a private plane with some 60 year old man, who's diabetic by the way, and absolutely no one else because plot. There are two guys who are brothers and you can tell because they dress alike. There's also the token black guy.

Something happens and New York (referred to as Chicago because plot) is on fire, or something? So is Kansas City, so they can't land the plane.

No one knows what is going on and there is no communication with the outside world. All the information they have is from 2 day old newspapers that were left on the plane because plot. This movie takes place at Christmas, by the way.

It turns out that the newspapers conveniently out the old man as the leader of a cult that used LSD to brainwash people into believing the world was ending. He's diabetic and the diversity hire flushed his insulin down the toilet believing it to be LSD that the old man was pumping into the air of the plane to convince everyone the world was ending because plot. The old man conveniently dies within minutes.

This movie takes place on a plane.

The one brother somehow knows how to pilot a plane because plot and he takes the plane down to the clouds in Colorado because the plane has just as much fuel as the plot demands it to have. One of those clouds is a mushroom cloud and ash gets into the plane. Did I mention they had to open the door while the plane was in the air to vent all the bad air they thought was full of LSD?

They dive beneath the clouds to find that Monument Valley, I shit you not, is on fire and bison are running around on fire while the ground is covered in pools of lava because I the most obvious target of a nuclear attack is the middle of nowhere.

They then go back up really high and girl's dad calls her on the plane, this movie takes place on a plane, by the way. He's the only person to have survived the end of the world and he lives in a mansion by a fireplace and he dresses like Hugh Hefner. He says that 11 nuclear missiles were fired from Russia and the only way to survive is to stay... "Skybound"! Where have I heard that before? The signal then cuts out, conveniently.

The brothers then realise they have Wikipedia on the plane and pull up an article about Hiroshima that tells them 2 important, and wrong, plot points: 1. modern nucular weapons are exactly 7 times more powerful than they were in 1945, and 2. radiation has unlimited omnidirectional range over land but very limited range over water, while showing a picture of the Castle Bravo fallout cloud that was very much over water.

Blondie then reveals she's good at maths and gets shit-faced and calculates that flying to Canada or Mexico is a death sentence because radiation has unlimited range over land, and they don't have enough fuel to reach Hawaii because plot.

They then decide to cut stuff out of the plane with a hatched they brought along because plot and dump it (and presumably the dead man's body, because we never see it again) into the sea. But that's still not enough to get them to Hawaii, because plot.

They're in an airplane, did I mention that?

One of the brothers goes outside the plane and uses the hatchet to, I shit you not, cut one of the engines off the plane so they are light enough to make it to Hawaii. He dies.

They almost make it in the middle of the night when the fuel runs out and they instantly drop straight down, because the wings of a plane don't generate lift and can't glide for several miles without power, and hits the sea.

Everyone then wake up completely dry on the beach and we see the Murican flag waving in the distance while someone on the radio, which no one brought with them but appears on the beach because plot, says that thousands of survivors have escaped to Canada, Mexico, and Hawaii, which are the only places safe from the radiation.

The end.

Here's the trailer, which contains the entire movie. Enjoy.